Canoe Jousting/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots, glass shatters ] harold: Okay, this is it. We've done all the preparation, all the planning, and we've worked really, really hard. Well, you know, okay, some people didn't work as hard as others. That's because they don't care as much as I do. Anyway, we've done all we can do, but not because everything is perfect or anything, just that we've pretty much ran out of time. So please welcome the star of "the red green show," mr. Red green! Thank you very much. Thank you, harold, and, uh, welcome to the show. Yeah, we had a heck of a lot of fun this week up at the lodge, but -- oh, hey, before I get to the fun aspect, harold, come on over here a minute. Harold is, uh, producer and director of the show, and, uh, he has this fancy little gizmo that allows him to do all kinds of special effects that you'll be subjected to throughout the half-hour. Yeah, neat, weird stuff like this. [ keyboard clacking ] wa-a-a! See, that way, I can get from a boring segment into a real interesting one. For example, I can do that. You wouldn't have even needed that gizmo up here yesterday, harold. We got into a-a canoe-jousting contest. This is where you, uh, tie your laundry to the end of a canoe paddle, and then you use that and try to knock the other guy, you know, out of his canoe. That sounds neat. You got footage of that? Can I see footage of that? If you got footage of that, I'd like to see footage of it if you got some. You got footage? Well, no throat I have the memory of it, harold, and if I could just tell a story about it, that's just as good. Oh, yeah, that's great. But first just let me go to the next segment. [ keyboard clacking ] I have footage of that. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ blood on the saddle ♪ ♪ blood on the ground ♪ ♪ blood on the treetops halfway to town ♪ ♪ I admit I was careless, but I've taken a pledge ♪ ♪ never again will I kill a mosquito ♪ ♪ with a 16-pound sledge ♪ this week on "handyman corner," I'm gonna take you outside and, uh, show you something you can do with, uh, something that everybody has at least one of in their backyard -- uh, an old junk car. You know, maybe you found the car or it come with the house or you just got up one morning, there it was, dropped out of a plane or something. You can tell a lot about people, what kind of car they have. And, uh, maybe they just hang on to it for sentimental value, or maybe it has no wheels. But we want to show you something that you can do with these things. With a little bit of innovation, you maybe can make a play fort for the kids or, in our case today, a fabulous, fabulous garden center. Let me show you here. [ clears throat ] now, this is the, uh, garden shed. And in here, I keep all of my -- all my gardening tools and my weed whacker, my weed whipper, my weed whipper whacker, whack whipper, and a whipping whacking weeder. They're all in here, and, uh, what is that? That little fella shouldn't be in there. Now, in this area in the car, you've always wanted a greenhouse. How about a greenhouse with an a.M./f.M. Radio, a heat-controlled defrost, uh, side vents, uh, top vents? We don't have a sunroof in this. Maybe you'd like it to have a sunroof. And you could even have an air conditioner. You can adjust the, uh -- you can adjust the air temperature just by rolling up and down the windows, or you want to just blow all the -- you want the plants to all grow one way, you just open and just blow. It's a fabulous, fabulous thing. And let me show you something else we got over here. Way over the other side here, this is an interesting way to grow tomatoes. You hook them right onto the radio aerial, and then as the tomatoes grow up, so does the aerial. The radio waves will give you a very unusual taste, kind of a -- well, you can set them for heavy metal or middle-of-the-road tomatoes, whatever it is that you want. Now, for your -- maybe you've got some tropical plants that require a little more warmth, a little more humidity. Here's your spot right here. And these things will grow -- you only have to start her up two or three times a day, and these will just flourish in here. And, you know, you think about, uh -- about watering your plants and so forth, and, uh, I say, you know, why risk getting another hernia carrying a watering can or what have you when, uh, you've got the rad hose here? You just, uh -- you might have to put an extension on that. Put another couple extra feet on that. But you take her right back here. I had the greenhouse locked. And, uh, right in there, you got the -- this is your -- we got full security here. Get in here, and then all you got to do is, uh, start up your engine. [ engine turns over ] there we go, and I can just hose her right down there. [ engine shuts off ] the thing with that deal is you want to make sure you got the car rust-proofed. And, uh, if you want to make your own weed whacker or whip weeder, weedy whipper, weedy weedy... How about this? [ grunts ] it's a fan out of the heater. Oh, let me show you something else. [ buzzing ] now, back here, uh, I don't think you can do this. You just leave the car running, and the exhaust gases -- 'cause plants work on carbon dioxide. Well, there's carbon dioxide in there, and there's something else called carbon monoxide, which is, I think, exactly the same thing. There's lead and there's pewter, I believe. I think there's also oat bran in car exhaust. Not sure about that. It usually makes me have to go to the bathroom. Anyway, another thing I wanted to show you, this is a fabulous, fabulous invention. This is a hose reel. I mean, how many times did I run over the hose with a lawn mower before I got this baby, eh? 17. But, uh, I've got a better way of making a hose reel out of -- out of this garden center, uh, which will save you a few bucks. Let me show you how that works. All right. [ clears throat ] so, what we're looking at here is a 200-horsepower, uh, hose reel. And, uh, that saves you a heck of a lot of time and a heck of a lot of energy. And all I got to do is, uh, start up the car and drop her into reverse, but before I do, I'd just like to say, until next time, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ engine turns over ] we'll be right back with more of the canoe-jousting story. And soon it'll be seared into your memory, too. [ thunder crashes ] "it is spring. "young couples return from the woods "with stars in their eyes and love in their hearts and mosquito bites that can't be scratched in public." well, as I was saying, uh, we got into this canoe-jousting thing, and the guys all went down to the dock, and we brought our laundry and our canoes and our paddles and everything. But, you know, we needed some kind of a handicapping system. And it didn't seem fair that stinky peterson would have to go head-to-head against moose thompson, when stinky weighs about the same as moose's tongue. So to give stinky a fair advantage there, we, uh, let him use the paddle that had old man sedgwick's laundry on it. I mean, it wasn't even tied on. It just stuck. Then we ran a safety wire from the laundry up to the roof of the boathouse so that if there was a problem at all, it wouldn't fall into the lake and kill the fish. Well, uh, the fight got going there, and stinky was doing pretty well, keeping his balance and everything. But, geez, all of a sudden, moose thompson bends way over and just bit the bottom right out of stinky's canoe, you know, which, uh, that put stinky into the sandbar and put moose into the semifinals. Excuse me, uncle red, I just got to say there's nobody in television who tells a story like you do. Well, thank you, harold. I think there's a reason for that. [ keyboard clacking ] morning, glen. Hi, red. How'd you like to go for a ride in the rv? Oh, where to? Oh, I don't know. How about the grand canyon? Oh, golly, glen, that's got to be 3,000 miles south of here, isn't it? I can shut the marina down, red. I've done it before. Yeah, but you're gonna need a lot of extra food and clothes and maps and so on. She's all loaded up, red. I keep delores fully loaded for all times. Wow. Delores? Yeah, she's my four-wheeled freedom machine here, red. Yep, with auto-cruise on this baby, we could get down to the grand canyon in 83 hours. Well, actually, glen, I just need some outboard motor oil for the lodge runabout. That's why I'm here. Red, we could be sitting in the grand canyon, sucking on microwave chili. Can you imagine? Well, actually, the echo would scare me to death. No, I just need three quarts of oil for the 9 1/2 we got up at the lodge. Yeah, sure. So do you have any oil, glen? Why should I help you? Well, you're the only marina within 100 miles. You're a lodge member. I'm a lodge owner. You sold me the motor. Stop me if I make a point here. All right, okay. Sure. Uh, help yourself. Oh, all right. Where you keep the oil? Uh... Glen? I'm thinking, red. You know, maybe you could microwave me a cup of coffee. I always think better with that. Why don't I just look in the workshop here? Oh, I think the coffee would be faster. All right. You know, uh, there's some frozen layer cakes in there. Yeah. You know, they got tons of layers, just like the grand canyon. Probably the same age. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ tougher than iron ♪ ♪ not one ounce of fat ♪ ♪ all sinew and muscle and blacker than black ♪ ♪ I guess I burned the steaks again ♪ ♪ mmm ♪ oh, great, uncle red, come on in. Grab a seat. I dipped in the old mailbag, grabbed a couple letters. And they both have to deal with etiquette. [ clears throat ] yeah, well, go ahead. Okay, well, first one says, "dear red, what do you serve with red wine and with white wine?" well, it's a little outside my area of expertise, harold, but, uh, here's what I do. I serve red wine with vinegar-flavored chips, onion rings, those little hickory sticks, and licorice. Whereas white wine, I chill that for, oh, almost a full minute, and I serve that with ketchup-flavored chips, uh, cheese balls, peanuts, uh, popcorn, and, uh, the pepperoni sticks. Oh, well, that should certainly help our viewer plan that wedding reception. Wa-a-a! Well, we got another letter here, uncle red. And it says, "dear red, "recently I dined at a real fancy restaurant "where everyone had like two or three forks, a couple of knives, and more spoons than we have in our whole house." [ chuckles ] "what's the big idea?" well, uh, this happens a lot, okay? Uh, you know, it has to do with the type of restaurant. Now, you might be having a fancy meal at the restaurant. You'll be having, uh, let's say crab or steak alaska or "fillet mig-non." oh, no, that's "filet mignon." filly? What is it, a horse meat? Waa! No, it's french! The french eat horse, don't they? No! The french word for horse is "chapeau." oh. Well, anyway, uh, they give you all these cutlery things because, uh, they have a different, uh, piece of cutlery for every different course. 'cause in a fancy restaurant, the waiter's never going to say, uh, "save your forks 'cause there's pie." uh, it's -- it's too, um, uh... Gauche. What? It's french. And fancy restaurants use, like, a lot of french, you know, like pie a la mode, au gratin, maître d'. Yeah, okay. So like when you're in a french restaurant and you belch, you don't say, "excuse me," you say, "pardon my french." au gratin, monsieur. You're starting to get on my nerves, harold. Well, let's go to the next segment, then, by all means. Where'd all this french stuff come from, anyway? School. Yeah, might have known. [ film projector clicking ] red: This is another, uh, segment of our "adventures with bill," where we are gonna deal with survivalism, surviving, survivalists, uh...Staying alive, basically. And I think you can see where we're going with this. Uh...He's out of water. And, uh, we're gonna show you how you can find water in nature. I don't -- I don't mind bill doing these. I just -- I just don't like, you know, having to do them with him. Anyway, out come-- out comes his ax. Bill's got his ax. This is something that, uh, you may not be aware of, but if you can chop a branch off a tree... [ slurps ] ...Sometimes you can hook right into the sap or the watery stuff that comes out there. [ slurps ] no, no. Nothing yet. You know what they say -- third time lucky. [ gurgling ] I don't know quite what kind of a tree that was there. Anyway, another thing you can do is low-lying branches, give them a -- and they got -- water comes flying off those or even a higher branch -- you can see that he's got a big stick now. I don't think bill realized there was a beehive up there. Aah, aah, aah. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, boy. Oh, yeah. The good thing was he was keeping the bees off me. And then he, uh -- he made one of these little, uh, divining rods or witching rods or I don't know what you call these things. It's almost like a folk-art kind of thing. They say that -- I don't know what's happening there exactly, but they say they can find water, you know, by the spirit of the tree or something. So, anyway, he says there's water right there, so I grab the shovel and, well, I can hardly believe it. I can hardly -- 'cause I don't really buy into -- but what he'd done is hit the underground hose there. Thank you, bill. Ah, well. He meant well, I'm sure. But who cares? Now we're just moving along. He's looking for another spot with water in it, and, you know, when you're walking along with bill, it seems that strange things happen. I-I-I don't ask. In fact, I'd rather not know most of the time. He was moving through, and he was starting to get something. He was starting to twitch, and so was the rod. And, uh, you know, he was looking back and forth, and -- and -- and he said, "do what I do," so I tried to do the best I could. And all of a sudden, he seemed to be centering in, and, of course, guess where the water was. Right under the rock. He wants me to move the rock for him. Oh, yeah, that could happen, so I decide to smash the rod. No, I couldn't believe it, either. Water would be hard, wouldn't it? This is another technique. This is really to catch rain. Yeah, you strap a tarpaulin between a few trees, and it wasn't raining this particular day, so bill just went to get a hose, and he's not real good with the hoses, so I decided to kind of take over. And we just pretend that that's just like it's raining in there. He gets his canteen back, and he goes underneath it, and what he does is he waits for the rain to build up in the tarp, which it was. And, you know, water is quite heavy, and we didn't notice the knot starting to slip off one corner. So then all he has to do is take a little knife and jam it in the bottom, and it'll, uh... And he got the water. He even managed to eventually to get the canteen filled up. "it is summer. "the days are long. "relatives on vacation come to stay with you. "the days get longer. "they brought mom. Infinity." well, you see, uncle red, it's not that I have anything against hockey. It's just that soccer is a better sport. I just happen to prefer soccer. That's all. You know, more kids are enrolling in soccer school than they are in hockey school. It's true. Because it's a better sport. It's a trend. It's a wave. That's all. You know, okay, okay, okay. For instance, in -- in -- in soccer, you don't have to buy those great, big, hard pads that eventually pinch you, you know. And there's no ice to fall down and crack your skull on. There's no boards to ram your face into. I for one prefer that. Soccer is not a real sport, harold, okay? For me, for a real sport, you got to have bloodshed, you got to have serious physical injury. Soccer has all that... Up in the stands. Fights? Oh, gang wars. That bad, eh? Oh, yeah, you know what parents can be like. Any thoughts coming to you, glen, at all? Yeah. Do you remember where you left the oil? No, I was thinking about the grand canyon, red. Well, I think I'll just poke around, see if I can find it myself. Man, oh, man, red. Just think of it -- the grand canyon. We could be sitting in the bottom of that baby, looking right up at all of that rock and shale and stuff. Every sediment tells a story. Yeah. You could look at all that gray stuff, that rock, and just think that they used to be dinosaurs and prehistoric trees and foliage and stuff. You could reach up and bust a piece of that stuff off. Man, we just hold it in our hand and just look at it and then throw it at each other then...Into the lake or the river or whatever's at the bottom of that canyon. Okay, glen. I found the oil I was looking for, so, uh, thanks a lot. Just, uh, put it on my bill, huh? I know why you can't go, red. It's your wife, isn't it? She won't let you go. You see, red, I'm a free man. Yeah, right, glen. I am. I can do anything I'd like. I can go anywhere and come as I please. I'll go to the grand canyon, red. You just wait. You just watch me. Oh, by the way, that's the wrong oil. We'll be back with lots more stuff, and let's not forget the phrase "canoe jousting." let's not forget the phrase "boring out of a tree." let's not forget that, either. ♪ there's a grass fire blazing ♪ ♪ in the back of the house ♪ ♪ the black smoke smells like a toasted mouse ♪ ♪ we do this every year 'cause it helps with the growing ♪ ♪ and more importantly ♪ ♪ it's a hell of a lot easier than mowing ♪ hey! Hi. I know a lot of you teenagers out there are rebelling, and, uh, you don't really know why. Maybe you're torching school buses or knocking over variety stores. It doesn't matter. What does matter is that this is just a natural part of the maturing process. It's just your way of saying, "hey, I am not like my parents. "I'm me. "and if that means taking a flamethrower to the mall, then so be it." the important thing to remember is that if you're gonna be rebellious, have some fun with it. You know, they say the teenage years are the best years. And you should remember that and enjoy them. Because you're probably gonna spend the rest of your life behind bars. So, uh, when we got down to the absolute final matchup in the canoe-jousting competition, it turned out to be moose thompson against, uh, buster hadfield. Now, uh, what buster lacked in size and speed, uh, he also lacked in strength and cunning. But, you know, he surprised us. Before the fight began, what buster did was he swing his paddle right around, and he catches moose right square between the eyes. You know, of course, this gets moose laughing, you know. And then buster unties the laundry and loops an old pair of work pants upside down over moose's head. Well, I mean, how is moose supposed to fight looking out the fly of a pair of work pants while he's having a major fit of the giggles? So naturally it ended in a draw. But, uh, golly, it was a great day, and, uh, you know, after we returned the broken canoes to the scout camp, uh, we all had our picture taken with moose's forehead lump. And, uh, boy, I'll tell you, a good time was had by some. So, anyway, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home, and I'm bringing everybody's laundry. I-I knew you'd understand. Okay, so thank you for watching the show, and on behalf of myself and, uh, harold, uh, and the rest of the gang up here at the lodge, uh, keep your stick on the ice.